My secret diaries
I have written a journal on and off since I was a teenager. Deep in a drawer are several tiny leather-bound journals from the 1980s where, in the smallest writing, I wrote about my latest heartbreak. Diary entries from my partying twenties were more sporadic. While notebooks from my sleep-deprived thirties are filled with feeding and napping schedules.
The latest, midlife iteration of my journal writing is mostly here on the blog. But since my perimenopausal brain fog and mood swings set in, I’ve taken to old fashioned pen and paper, just to have somewhere to vent, privately.
Perimenopause and me
I recognise that I’m at the beginning of perimenopause and so far have got off lightly. My periods have changed in frequency and length, and I’ve only had a handful of hot flushes. The main impact for me has been emotional, which I described at length in my earlier post here.
My journal entries from the beginning of the year reflect this. They are rambling rants about going mad, paranoia, self-hatred. It’s a deeply pitying read.
Check out this entry from January for example:
I started writing a blog about happiness this week and then realised how disingenuous it sounded. I’m not living my best life. I’m demotivated, procrastinating and I’m so bloody tired. Haven’t gone to exercise class this week, can’t be bothered. I just don’t feel like doing ANYTHING. I’m taking afternoon naps. I’m filled with self-hatred. I’m lost in my own head.
On the way to school this morning I nearly cried. Everything felt so bleak.
This was before I realised perimenopause could be the cause.
If menopause was a topic that the media, and in turn friends and family, were more comfortable discussing, I might have known that the low mood, anxiety, lethargy and loss of confidence I experienced at the start of the year could have been related to menopause.
Instead, I just thought I was losing it.
It’s a rollercoaster ride
I’ve been writing regularly in my mood journal to chart my progress. It reveals manic episodes, arguments and self-loathing followed by emotional highs.
It’s been an emotional rollercoaster over the last few days. On Tuesday I went from stable to furious within ten minutes, just because Sainsbury’s dared to deliver my shopping 15 minutes early, when I was cooking dinner. I couldn’t cope with the multitasking, so by the time [Mr Maven] got home I was inexplicably angry with him.
Then today I was almost euphoric, had such a positive day. Reached agreement on some fundamental issues with my business partners; took delivery of some trousers that actually fit, and found £50 in a jacket pocket!!
This day went so badly, it’s almost funny:
What a shit day. [The Teen] couldn’t walk this morning due to an ankle injury and while I was seeing to him, the dog snuck into our room and shat on the carpet. Had lunch out with partners and salad was so horrible I just ate two pieces of halloumi—cost £14. Also, I think we have mice.
I have trouble sleeping, I’m irritable and anxious, occasionally demotivated and my whole body is itchy.
But is this menopause?
I’m not living in a controlled environment, where I can isolate causes and effects. Shit happens. Work gets frantic or dries up. The kids behave badly or bring moments of pure joy. Jeez, sometimes it just rains and I don’t feel like taking the dog for a walk. You get the picture.
My GP, who clearly hasn’t read the latest guidelines from NICE (National Institute for Health and Care Excellence) says that any mental health or emotional struggles I may be having are not menopausal. She claims that menopause only affects our physical health – which is utter rubbish! I will not be returning to her surgery. I will have to manage these symptoms myself.
And finally, let me finish with a couple of things that have been bugging me.
I am not too young
During my many conversations over the last few months, I have been surprised at the number of people who think I’m too young to be going through perimenopause – including my GP. As if I must be mistaken. It’s this sort of comment that makes women recoil, not see a doctor, and just revert to thinking that they’re going mad.
The average age of menopause if 51, but for many women, the symptoms of perimenopause begin in their early forties. Some unfortunate women go through menopause in their twenties. So I’m not too young. I’m not going mad. I’m perimenopausal. Get over it!
Menopause isn’t something to be ashamed of
Menopause is not a dirty word. Up to 80% of women in employment will experience menopausal symptoms. That’s a lot of women trying to hide their hot flushes at work. Many of them will be embarrassed, even ashamed of their symptoms because as a society we’re uncomfortable talking about it.
By talking about our menopausal experiences we can help and support each other. We can share resources, recommend therapies, explain what’s going on to our employers and know what questions to ask our GPs.
So share away. Overshare if you must, but please let’s talk about menopause.
Much love, Vx
[Disclosure: Nothing to disclose]